I would do anything…

June 21, 2010

“can you colourize my life? I’m so sick of black and white”

[I love Meatloaf. Not the food, the band. Well, the singer. It’s in my blood to like them. My dad, my nan, my auntie Tracey, my mum, me, possibly more family members]

Tomorrow is my birthday! I’m going to be 15. *cough cough splutter* A lie, of course, I’m actually going to be seventeen. This time last year I knew I was getting the latest technology and make-up-because I’d asked for it and I wanted it. This time last year, I had finished school and my exams and I was just sitting at home all day, and I had a load of friends who, didn’t really like me and vice versa.

This year I’ve asked for an Inktense pencil set, Fairy drawing books, a pari of cheap headphones and a vintage locket to put a photo of my family in. What a change from last year! Last year I spent my birthday money on clothes and shoes and more makeup. This year I’m spending my birthday money on more art materials since discovering the SAA and my nan’s discount gives me lots of brillaint new art stuff at affordable prices. This year I’m at college for my birthday; starting new classes and making new friends and learning new things. This year I’ve discarded those ‘friends’, discovered who my friends really are and become a better person for it.

But back to the title of this post, and I may get a little deep here, just as a warning.

Recently, all my friend’s and family’s lives seem to revolve around love, and relationships, and boyfriends etc. And it’s really made me discover more about myself and how odd I am compared to my friends.

I’m very old-fashioned in the way I think relationships should develop and progress and act. I’ve had ‘guys’ who, at the time, I thought were boyfriends. But looking back, I didn’t enjoy being in their company-they wanted too many things. Too many things that I, as a thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen year old wasn’t prepared to give, or do, or say. Like ‘I love you.’ I’ve said that to one guy while I knew he was in love with one of my best friends. But he was screwed up, and I pitied him, and I didn’t mind. But there’s a huge difference between saying ‘I love you’ and meaning it.

And then my parent’s marriage seemed to prove that love was elusive. And I learnt that love is something that only happens to very lucky people.

I don’t believe in love.

I’d like to. I believe in love for family-love for my brothers, sister, mum, father etc. But love for a guy? I just don’t get it.

When I first watched 500 Days of Summer, I didn’t understand Summer. I didn’t like her character. But recently I’ve been watching that film over and over again.

I want to get married. I want to have kids. But I’m terrified of making a mistake; of marrying the guy I think I’m in love with and it all turning out like every other marriage nowadays. It might sound selfish, but I don’t want kids with a guy that I’m not absolutely sure I love.

I’m a tricky person.

Plus, going to college means I see couples, I see arguments, I see crushes. I hear girls trying to change, and spending their whole lives obsessing over what guys like and what they don’t, and how to act, and how to talk, and how to look. And I hate that.

I don’t want to be the girl who won’t speak because her boyfriend hasn’t rung when he said he would. I don’t want to be the girl who dresses just because her boyfriend likes her to dress that way. I don’t want to be the girl who cries when he says something insensitive. I just don’t want to be that girl.

Good luck to any boyfriend I ever have.

The reason I’m posting this now, the day before my 17th birthday, is because of exactly that. I’ll be 17 tomorrow, and I don’t want to be. But I have to grown up at some point. I have to stop pretending I’m living in Neverland where I can get away with never having a boyfriend and not caring about this kind of stuff. And, possibly, someday soon, I will care about boyfriends and seriousness and caring. But it’s not in my nature. But just for now, I don’t want to think about that and have to have boys cluttering up my life. I’m happy single-I’ve always been happy single.

So tomorrow when I make my birthday wish, I’ll wish for love. I’ll wish that I know it, that I know the truth of it.

 But not just yet, not just yet.

“So I would do anything for love…”

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